No, no, no, No

I need to find a good child rearing book and read it again and again!
I had two laid back, go with the flow boys before I had Laurie. And I thought that having a girl was not much different than having a boy..I was sooo wrong! The boys have been around long enough (they are 6 and 3)that they know where the boundaries are in our family. But Laurie is just starting to exert herself,trying real hard to be independent, and she does not know where the boundaries are...yet.
Her favorite word is NO! She uses it to mean both yes and no. She uses it when she wants something but she wants to do it herself. I do not want to wish away her babyhood but I will be so happy when she can communicate more with words than whines and fits.
I am about at the end of my rope..Spanking her is effective but not always practical (like when we are out in public and everyone is staring at you). I need some other tactic that is effective. I need that parenting book pronto!